How do you just do it???

Shae had to sit and do nothing while on bed rest for months at a time as did another friend, but how do this work for someone like me that hates to sit still? It’s already day 5 and I have another good week or 2 more to go of complete bedrest and being told what to do and fed xyz amount of calories…or if I don’t eat at least half then drink a boost plus. I think I figured that part out. But it’s the sitting still for nothing except tv, iPad or phone.

Can we say booorrrrrriiiiiiinnnnnggggg. I’m about ready to go sprinting into a run because of the long sitting down situation.

In the meantime, I’m supposed to see my insurance lady Laura today.

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Dr Psychiatry says…

So, apparently because you thankfully have bulimia, you’re not very skinny so we’re not that worried about your weight. 🤦🏻‍♀️ SMH

So my weightloss was slow and for nothing?? I knew I should have done it the drastic way. I suck!!! It doesn’t matter now because I’m not gonna eat now. I’m outta here soon. Keep faking until I get out because what they tell me is very toxic!

That’s me. Just thought you guys would like to see who I am.

Anyway, today I had a phone call from a therapist who’s a doctor that specializes in eating disorders as well as other things. She called me then texted me from her personal phone. I like her…so far…but she’s no Shawna 😞. I miss her terribly. I’m not sure if I will ever trust anyone else, but I will try.

My birth mother called me and wanted Alyson’s personal number because she no longer has the old number and she never knows if she will lose her own cell number and needed someone she can call if emergency arises…I had to tell her that Alyson isn’t talking to me 😢. She was confused and concerned as now I am alone in SD and it’s not a good idea to not have anyone here. I told her it is what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️ and that at least, I have my church and new church friends.

Other than that, I need to be honest here… a few days ago I said good bye on fb. I was being honest. I did try and od. Fortunately, I failed. I bought AND drank an entire bottle of Nyquil & 1/2 bottle of Fireball. A few hours later, I got sick and couldn’t stop vomiting…then I fell asleep. I did lie to a friend. I told her that a friend was taking me to the hospital, but that friend didn’t. She and I felt that since I vomited so much that I should be fine if I slept it off. I was and still am. I think. My urine is very dark & I’m walking A LOT daily still. Do I wanna die still? NO. Am I still depressed? YES. Am I feeling lonely? VERY. Do I have something to live for? I GUESS SO.

I guess I’ll keep taking it one day at a time…

Silence

Nothing but silence…lost in my mind and my world. Wandering around lost and alone…getting by with one step in front of another. I’m just existing.

I’m clean. I’m hungry. I’m not fairing well mentally but that’s okay because it is what it is. I did this and I take responsibility for it all. At least I’m making new friends. Got good Christian friends now…4 of them and deaf friends. I have new job prospects and leads, but it’s not the same when you’re on this journey by yourself. But hey, you’re born alone…you die alone. I was told by evidence that my worth is not important. So, I guess I’ll just keep going with one step in front of another in silence. Until….until I cannot keep going anymore.

I’m starting to worry that maybe I cannot see what others see.

I have 1 roommate who doesn’t like to share her food like SERIOUSLY doesn’t, however she has been trying to offer me food especially anything protein or sweets.

I have another roommate who makes enough for 2 and offers me food if I am home.

Whenever I go out in public, I get stared at and see people looking at me with a worried face or some will do the catholic cross while looking at me. In fact, the other day at UTC mall a lady sat next to me near the fountain and tried to offer to buy me something from the food court.

I get stares, talked about, followed and some are plain rude and hollers “You’re ugly” (probably thought that’ll make me wanna eat, but it doesn’t…it makes me want to cry).

I’m not thin or emaciated at all!!! I’ve definitely been lower than this before but never had this type of reaction from people. Why now? What’s SO different now than before?? Am I really NOT seeing what they’re seeing? I’m SO confused and worried.

….prepared to finally hear “We’re SO done with you, GOODBYE”

So,…….. about last night, let’s say it was the most difficult thing for me to ever allow myself to do alone. Deep down inside me, I knew that I needed additional support the closer I get towards my final destination so I wouldn’t back out. It took every ounce of strength to do exactly what I’ve been taught and instructed by many,… fearfully and unsure yet still had hope. I push aside my stubbornness, swallow my pride and took a deep breath then asked for support from the only support person who had promised they would jump at the chance to be by my side, even drive me if I ever asked (this was towards the end of 2017/Kaiser).

That didn’t happen.

A Promise broken

My heart shattered into a million pieces. Pieces that just can’t be fixed. Not this time, not ever. 

The whole process took approximately over 7hrs or more just to get there…check in… a lot of should I/shouldn’t while standing across the street and in front of the ER then —

I got let down and lied to AGAIN

Another promise broken

Then a third and final one

At that point, I threw my hands in the air…gathered my things and walked out. I have completely lost faith, trust and gave up. I was done. ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH!!! I knew that this could potentially happen, suspected it would …. and it did.

As I stormed off, the premises, to catch the very last bus home….I reviewed every details that had transpired. It was then that I finally had to accept the cold hard truth – I mean nothing. Nothing to anyone. Sadly, my values…self esteem and reasons to live lies in whether the society wants me or needs me. No one really does even if they say they do, their actions are saying different.

That sad little Jenny– the one who’ve endured endless abuse and torture. Who’ve been locked in that tiny cold dark hall closet. The one who’ve dreamt of always receiving endless hugs and kisses. Who’ve had frequent dreams that she was someone that others had to hang around with, always included in, first thought of, needed to seek opinions from…basically to be wanted, needed and most of all— LOVED.

I’m sorry Rob, significant others are not included in this.

My final thoughts about whether I should exist or not in this world doesn’t matter. In fact, I don’t blame Shawna if she gave up on me… or Alyson if she never wants to see me in person again or anyone else for that matter. People have shown me by their actions or non actions how and what they truly feel about me.

I guess,… it is what it is. 

I AM A NOBODY and it’s time for that little Jenny to stop trying and die.