For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted a true ‘mama’…a truer sense of words. The kind that will drop everything and watch me like a hawk. The kind that will do whatever it takes to keep me alive no matter much I scream, fight, or cry. The kind that doesn’t say, ” well, you’re gonna do whatever, so whats the point…goodnight.”
No, no, no, no….that’s giving in. That’s giving up. That’s the tiny child-like voice asking, no pleading….help me. Help me fight this battle. Don’t give up on me now. Don’t hand control over to ed. Dammit!!!!!! Fight for me!!! No, not speaking helping from a certain distance, which seems to be the only way you seem to think you can…but that is NOT the only way. However, it IS your own chosen way. Which is why that huge, huge, huge gaping void within me will never be filled, ever. I will never have a true mama, sure tons of ‘moms’, but not a ‘drop of a hat come rescuse you and do whatever is necessary AT THAT moment’ kind of mom. For those of you who do have that kind of mom…count your blessings. I wish, oh how I wish I could have half of what you have…I do have tastes, an inkling, but its not the same. This is something I doubt I will ever heal from…..all I want is to have the kind of moms that worries, posts frantically, proudly include me in as part of their family they worry about…not a name, an individual, a stranger they came to know. I know, I know I am making same wishes and beliefs that kids do in Santa, or a tooth fairy or whatever. But, it can’t hurt to journal my deepest desires, my pain, my sorrows…..is there? Whatev, good night.