Ever wondered if what’s happening to you shouldn’t have happened?  Like, you start thinking that theres got to be someone much better and much needier, sicker and truly deserves help…more so than I?

I know I have felt that way constantly, yet at the same time I have all these people rooting for me…people mentioning my ‘pita maed’ method worldwide. Its mentioned in conference’s,  lectures, and more. 

To me, it seems like I am getting an answer to my unending questions to the universe. Will I get all of my wish? Probably not. But, if I can make a difference in someone’s life, heart,  their way of treating this eating disorders,  heck change or make some small change in how insurances perceives this type of issues, then I have done what I set out to do.

As for me, I do want to recover, however I find it extremely hard to let go of old behaviors (usually triggered by home settings). I know my insurance won’t cover all the much needed and necessary treatment length (minimum 6mos- max a year). I believe it’s why one of the pita maed moms created a fund site. It isn’t to fund just treatment,  but to help me start my life bare minimum,  in another state. That’s a whole new life…and, I am worried about surviving, staying in recovery,  along with many more worries. You see, you have a parent(s) who you could return into safe arms, to keep an eye for potential relapses that occurs often…me, I won’t have that….not that I am aware of.

I can tell you exactly what I need..that in-between place, the place you can live/stay with the people who are supportive in your recovery. Then the next step is getting your own place.the rest will follow.

However, my biggest fear is being unable to raise what is needed and feeling like a failure for being unsuccessful with this ‘project’ I started to help not just me, but my peers too. Sometimes I think it is easier to just be an activist to help others recover/receive help, but at the same time knowing that I may not have the same chances.

One of the things that I am fearful of is Rosewood’s caveman-like treatment. I may embody a person with an ability to enjoy the great outdoors/countryside,  but truth is, I am a city girl who need noise (music during nightime to help with sleep), a connection with the people who are a huge part of my life now, and more. Seriously, I am getting worried about such limited activities, hobbies that they provide– you aren’t allowed to bring your own hobbies. Oh theres more. I am scared. I am half wishing I would die from this problematic health issues and all the monetary will go directly to this new pita method along with getting others treatments if needed. Stupid thinking isn’t it…..thought so.


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