So,…….. about last night, let’s say it was the most difficult thing for me to ever allow myself to do alone. Deep down inside me, I knew that I needed additional support the closer I get towards my final destination so I wouldn’t back out. It took every ounce of strength to do exactly what I’ve been taught and instructed by many,… fearfully and unsure yet still had hope. I push aside my stubbornness, swallow my pride and took a deep breath then asked for support from the only support person who had promised they would jump at the chance to be by my side, even drive me if I ever asked (this was towards the end of 2017/Kaiser).
That didn’t happen.
A Promise broken
My heart shattered into a million pieces. Pieces that just can’t be fixed. Not this time, not ever.
The whole process took approximately over 7hrs or more just to get there…check in… a lot of should I/shouldn’t while standing across the street and in front of the ER then —
I got let down and lied to AGAIN
Another promise broken
Then a third and final one
At that point, I threw my hands in the air…gathered my things and walked out. I have completely lost faith, trust and gave up. I was done. ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH!!! I knew that this could potentially happen, suspected it would …. and it did.
As I stormed off, the premises, to catch the very last bus home….I reviewed every details that had transpired. It was then that I finally had to accept the cold hard truth – I mean nothing. Nothing to anyone. Sadly, my values…self esteem and reasons to live lies in whether the society wants me or needs me. No one really does even if they say they do, their actions are saying different.
That sad little Jenny– the one who’ve endured endless abuse and torture. Who’ve been locked in that tiny cold dark hall closet. The one who’ve dreamt of always receiving endless hugs and kisses. Who’ve had frequent dreams that she was someone that others had to hang around with, always included in, first thought of, needed to seek opinions from…basically to be wanted, needed and most of all— LOVED.
I’m sorry Rob, significant others are not included in this.
My final thoughts about whether I should exist or not in this world doesn’t matter. In fact, I don’t blame Shawna if she gave up on me… or Alyson if she never wants to see me in person again or anyone else for that matter. People have shown me by their actions or non actions how and what they truly feel about me.
I guess,… it is what it is.
I AM A NOBODY and it’s time for that little Jenny to stop trying and die.