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Fear

So, this past month of January has been a rough one. My Ed has done shit and I’m trying to come back from it, however it’s hard when someone has a hard time moving on from it. I feel like I’m being punished for my Ed’s action and no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough. I feel, for the first time ever, like a stranger who overstayed her welcome here. I’m struggling with feeling peace now and not sure how to go about it. I wonder if I made the right decision and wonder if perhaps moving into the apartment would be better for me. I want to save any relationship I have left with her. I’m very sad and a lot more guarded. I don’t know what GOD has planned for me and I need to trust the process. even still, it doesn’t take that fear away.

As I lie here on the couch, I’m reflecting on my journey that brought me here and I would not have gotten here were it not be from the help of a collective group of MOMS that I put together. No, there was no such a thing as the PITA Moms. I coined the name after a really frustrating meal support via skype. Lol, PITA stands for Pain In The Ass. Lolol those lovely 13 mothers gladly accepted it because they WANT to be a PITA to ED.

These lovely ladies came into my life after I started a fb accountability with a goal of not purging anymore. I didn’t imagine that it would slowly bring each of them (at various times) together.

Let me introduce you to them…

Debra, a wonderful person who advocate for mothers who have or had a child with ED, was sort of the pillar if you will. I was in her group and she was chosen by me for reasons unknown except God wanted me to have her. She accepted and for that I am glad. We had awesome coffee in the AM! Those mornings was something I hold precious to my heart.

Jennifer, feisty hardheaded, hard driven lady took my heart. We got to know one another and she started trying to get me to consider UCSD ed program. Night after night we chatted as I ate. I felt like she was the one I needed in my life. She accepted too. Boy our 14hr straight writing my timeline. ..whew!

Cherie, wonderful advocate and totally hardheaded and seems to know the ins and outs of ED world political wise. She unknowingly came into my life one day while she was at EDC in Washington DC. Idk if I reached out to her before or after, regardless she was a chosen one and accepted too.

Jen, lovely UK mother & Lisa, a wonderful Canada mother and I met on the Feast page. We all chatted and they started following my accountability and commenting. I had another gut instinct to have them a part of the group of moms. Both accepted.

Gabriele, what can I say. I knew her a year or two prior and we were WWF buddies. We played often and one day I just knew that she was someone I wanted to be a part of the group. It took some talking and getting to know one another and she, too, accepted. Btw, this mother came up with the idea of SKYPE meal support and boy ED was mad!!! Jenny, however, was glad that the moms suspected that I wasn’t eating everything I was taking pictures of. *BUSTED*

Shannon, ha! This lady…we, too, were WWF buddies and she and I talked late at night and she knew what I was dealing with at home. She didn’t jump right into the group until much later. She, btw, played a vital piece in getting me to Rosewood. Even though she is part of the PITA Moms. ..I consider her my PITA sister!

Faith, I can say that when I met her, I knew…yup she has to join. She kept me entertained at times. Also, she didn’t join until later too. Love her! *psst, when you become famous…ya better give me a shout out*

Alyson, omg…poor thang! Lolol reason why I’m laughing is because she was the first one to deal with the longest meal support ever…a 4hr dinner! Lolol She was introduced to me by Denise. She joined in and for that I am SO glad.

Becky, this woman and I. ..I’m not sure quite how we met except that I remember the first Skype meal support with her…she was cleaning up a room to paint in this shade of yellow. She has the biggest cheeky grin full of teeth. I love her very much!

Carolyn, lolol. She joined in but only via chat…not meal skype for she was afraid to get too attached to me. Too late now 😛

I love her dearly and she allowed me to stay with her for a few days. She visited me when I was in the hospital. She is even helping out by getting my meds shipped here. I’m thankful for her.

Pamela, a wonderful lady who knew Carolyn and she helped me by taking me to my doctor appt, to meet my 2 lawyers late at night at Ihop and visited me in the hospital during Christmas. I’m grateful for that.

Becci, what can I say…she’s sweet and even did some meal support. Honestly, I’m not sure how I met her except that I did and I’m SO glad I did.

Now you’ve ALL met my PITA Moms. They ALL played a very important role in my life. Together, the collective crazy lot of them, has saved my life. I, seriously, know that I would not be alive today if it wasn’t for them. They stayed night after night, day after day…talked to my doctor (S) and nurses and insurance company and called welfare check, stayed up all night with me in the ER numerous times. Then I ended up appointing 3 to be my POA. That means that they don’t have to have permission to talk to docs, therapist, etc… they can know my weight, pysch diagnosis basically everything.

I love each of them, ALL 13 of them, very very much and I will never EVER forget them for as long as I live.

Now if you’re wondering if all of our relationship is the same now as it was prior to treatment. ..the answer is no. Our relationships are different with each other. Some grew stronger while others stayed the same. Some stayed while others moved on. As all relationship does, it changes. But are we ALL grateful for the time we had together, YES! Do we still touch base? YES!

…..and this is the story of how the PITA came about!

I love each and every one of you. I have SO much love and gratitude for the PITA Moms always and forever!

Demi Lovato Reveals She Almost Went Back To Rehab

WOW!

NOW 100.5 FM

Demi Lovato has been extremely open about her struggles with an eating disorder and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  She opened up to Fitness Magazine and revealed that she almost went back to rehab this summer but is doing better then ever now.

“They say it takes the average person 10 years to get the right diagnosis and treatment,” she said. “That statistic was very true for me, but I’m lucky to have the resources I need. Not everyone does. Sharing my story felt important if it meant that I’d be helping people get access to better care or showing that it’s still possible to live a normal life.”

I’m so glad she’s feeling strong and was able to identify that the problem was back.  She credits her man Wilmer Valderrama for helping her with a lot of this.  You’re a brave woman Demi for allowing yourself to be so…

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Letting go…

Ernest Holmes wrote, “Refuse to carry the corpse of a mistaken yesterday.”

For many years, my precious heart carried my corpse…all my fears, pain and frustration has very much controlled how I see the world. It was much easier for me to give advice and encourage others to “bury” their corpse even as I kept on carrying my own. I think it’s time for me to learn how to “bury” my own corpse, so that I am able to get on with my life. I need to let my past mistakes and sorrows not be my tomorrows.

What I wish I was told… (Body Image)…

Body Image seems to impose such a great emphasis upon all of us human beings these days and in this particular group, we were asked to write a letter to either…
– our mom and what we wish they told us
– ourself and what we wish was told to us either by others or our older self to our little self
– to our children (future or present) and what we wish we could tell them

I chose the second one…

Dear little Jenny,

I want you to know that you are beautiful no matter what. I know that you are being ‘spokenly’ and ‘unspokenly’ told that certain size and body shapes are unacceptable by various females in the family and told vocally what males find pleasing. I know that you were told repeatedly how they wished you looked a certain way and what you should/shouldn’t eat. Right now, I need you to know that it isn’t their fault. They, too, were told the same messages from the society and were only thinking that they were helping you. Regardless, you do not need to look a certain way to be accepted– there are no ‘legal’ or ‘illegal’ foods. I want you to know that beauty comes from being you, from you loving and accepting you. I know that this will be hard, in fact growing up in this world is going to be difficult. The messages that you will be/were told directly and/or indirectly will increase ten-fold. I wish I could protect you from this, but I can’t. Please always know that you are worth more than you look. You have so much to offer to the world. Just remember this…

“Outside beauty fades within time… Inner beauty will always shine.”

Excitement in the air

Only the Pitas knows, so I decided to share to a few who does read this…I am soon to be stepping down to TLP/IOP. We (Treatment team here at Oliver-Pyatt & myself) are looking at possibly 1st week of Dec. I will, probably, be heading to Dallas area and do TLP/IOP at Project Bliss. I’m so excited! Ten months of treatment from February to now, I’ve been working hard. I’m far from recovery, however am heading on the right path. I’m thrilled!!! I got so much to share and will write more later. Love you all!!! xoxo