Depression

Push.

Forward.

One two three four…every step takes effort. Not because of gravity, but because it feels as if I am tied to an anvil

Hollow lungs expands; Shallow and Rapid breathing begins

Clutching upon my chest as the pulsating beats quickens. *thump thump thump*

This vessel that hosts my soul, my very existence begun trembling violently

Sad lonely eyes – previously sparkled and full of life…now dark, lost and filled with tears

As the ground beneath starts to crack and crumble away piece by piece…

Knees buckle as I fall down whimpering

My face, once featured – the cheekiest grin, big dreams with a heart full of hope & desires for love and belonging…now shattered

Distrust. Abandoned. Lack of physical bonding. Forgotten.

I cry out…..

“Why me? Will this pain ever end?”

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Grey matter probings…

Am just another unfortunate entity in this existence, with approximately 46 DNA chromosomes, that resolved to make a presence and formulate (hopefully) coherent thoughts here, but only as a last resort.
When this piece of grey fiscal matter becomes unequivocally unstable, it precipitates an extreme emotional dysregulation. Unfortunately, uncontrolled dysregulated emotions has disrupted and /or damaged quite a few interpersonal relationships…mostly, due to my own fault. How? Obviously, because one hasn’t been putting any of the learned skills to use. Why? Brain cells refuse to function when highly emotive, it just reacts. Forgetfulness.
Regretfully, am painfully aware and dissatisfied that my own personal needs have oftentimes not been fulfilled properly in this cyber world…thus has came to the conclusion that this unlovable, unneeded and unwanted blob of a vessel that carries this soul – – this childlike soul that desperately needs someone (pollyanna like) to call “MOMMY”, no real true blue friend(s) & no real place to call “home”- …has to make one final grand appearance before calling it quits. And that, my friend, is how the pages here has come to fruition, so…Ta’ dah!

When published, content tends to be palapable and authentic. Exhibition will be either overtly dramatic, passive aggressive, convey sarcasm, appear comedic -or- just simply sharing nonsensical thoughts. So, please relax, put your feet up and grab some popcorn. Enjoy watching the drama unfold or don’t. **However, be curious & read please. Because, regardless if any authorized content makes logical sense or not…emotion and words are coming from somewhere right? So, obviously, even when nourished or thinking properly… patterns been established, yet am admittedly still bothered about random subjects.

Please understand that I, TOO, am very confused about why I can/cannot remember (or) can/cannot do things on some day, yet others I have no issues. Currently, feel like a subject dx’d with D.I.D, however am fully aware it’s unlikely. Strangely this vessel full of electric fibers, neurons and atoms, it feels as if it’s housing a 3yr old, 5/6yr old, 13yr old, 16/17 yr old, 21-25yr old and 33yr old that seemingly appear to  ALL be trapped inside this origin. I don’t think nor believe that they are separate individual “Jenny” 🙄 I know it’s me, but it’s me whose emotional needs and oftentimes behaviors are at that exact age.

I’m very terrified and confused. I don’t understand how to deal with this. Do you? Please…please don’t abandon me. Come back, I need y’all.

Thoughts after birthday

I am such a fool to believe that I am of value…why did I fall for the lies?

“Trust us” they say…”We’re gonna travel the world with you” they say…”We’ll never forget you or leave you” they promised.

The little girl in me starts to believe.

I shouldn’t have. I started to trust..to give my heart to the few people who worked so hard to earn my trust… to love.

On the day of my birthday, almost 5 years later…only 3 people wished me a happy birthday and 1 of the 3 has really been there almost daily and stuck by my side through thick and thin. I owe her my life. She was there when everyone else bailed. She believed in me when others gave up. She gave me a chance to live my life after treatment. She showed me love and what love looks like. She took me in and is teaching me so much about life and what it has to offer. She is practically raising me and for that I am forever grateful because I am headed on the right direction to becoming a self sufficient bright capable human being. Our bond became deeper, and as love grew…we fight and make up like family, in fact we became family.

Anyway, that’s not what this is about…it’s about how I felt when only 3 of them remembered that it was my birthday and said something.

Why did it hurt me so deep?

Why?

Was it because I trusted them with everything…even details about abuse that not even all of my therapists knows?

Was it because I reopened my heart after having it closed for so many years?

I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am hurt. Sad. Why does it bother me so much?

Fear

So, this past month of January has been a rough one. My Ed has done shit and I’m trying to come back from it, however it’s hard when someone has a hard time moving on from it. I feel like I’m being punished for my Ed’s action and no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough. I feel, for the first time ever, like a stranger who overstayed her welcome here. I’m struggling with feeling peace now and not sure how to go about it. I wonder if I made the right decision and wonder if perhaps moving into the apartment would be better for me. I want to save any relationship I have left with her. I’m very sad and a lot more guarded. I don’t know what GOD has planned for me and I need to trust the process. even still, it doesn’t take that fear away.

As I lie here on the couch, I’m reflecting on my journey that brought me here and I would not have gotten here were it not be from the help of a collective group of MOMS that I put together. No, there was no such a thing as the PITA Moms. I coined the name after a really frustrating meal support via skype. Lol, PITA stands for Pain In The Ass. Lolol those lovely 13 mothers gladly accepted it because they WANT to be a PITA to ED.

These lovely ladies came into my life after I started a fb accountability with a goal of not purging anymore. I didn’t imagine that it would slowly bring each of them (at various times) together.

Let me introduce you to them…

Debra, a wonderful person who advocate for mothers who have or had a child with ED, was sort of the pillar if you will. I was in her group and she was chosen by me for reasons unknown except God wanted me to have her. She accepted and for that I am glad. We had awesome coffee in the AM! Those mornings was something I hold precious to my heart.

Jennifer, feisty hardheaded, hard driven lady took my heart. We got to know one another and she started trying to get me to consider UCSD ed program. Night after night we chatted as I ate. I felt like she was the one I needed in my life. She accepted too. Boy our 14hr straight writing my timeline. ..whew!

Cherie, wonderful advocate and totally hardheaded and seems to know the ins and outs of ED world political wise. She unknowingly came into my life one day while she was at EDC in Washington DC. Idk if I reached out to her before or after, regardless she was a chosen one and accepted too.

Jen, lovely UK mother & Lisa, a wonderful Canada mother and I met on the Feast page. We all chatted and they started following my accountability and commenting. I had another gut instinct to have them a part of the group of moms. Both accepted.

Gabriele, what can I say. I knew her a year or two prior and we were WWF buddies. We played often and one day I just knew that she was someone I wanted to be a part of the group. It took some talking and getting to know one another and she, too, accepted. Btw, this mother came up with the idea of SKYPE meal support and boy ED was mad!!! Jenny, however, was glad that the moms suspected that I wasn’t eating everything I was taking pictures of. *BUSTED*

Shannon, ha! This lady…we, too, were WWF buddies and she and I talked late at night and she knew what I was dealing with at home. She didn’t jump right into the group until much later. She, btw, played a vital piece in getting me to Rosewood. Even though she is part of the PITA Moms. ..I consider her my PITA sister!

Faith, I can say that when I met her, I knew…yup she has to join. She kept me entertained at times. Also, she didn’t join until later too. Love her! *psst, when you become famous…ya better give me a shout out*

Alyson, omg…poor thang! Lolol reason why I’m laughing is because she was the first one to deal with the longest meal support ever…a 4hr dinner! Lolol She was introduced to me by Denise. She joined in and for that I am SO glad.

Becky, this woman and I. ..I’m not sure quite how we met except that I remember the first Skype meal support with her…she was cleaning up a room to paint in this shade of yellow. She has the biggest cheeky grin full of teeth. I love her very much!

Carolyn, lolol. She joined in but only via chat…not meal skype for she was afraid to get too attached to me. Too late now 😛

I love her dearly and she allowed me to stay with her for a few days. She visited me when I was in the hospital. She is even helping out by getting my meds shipped here. I’m thankful for her.

Pamela, a wonderful lady who knew Carolyn and she helped me by taking me to my doctor appt, to meet my 2 lawyers late at night at Ihop and visited me in the hospital during Christmas. I’m grateful for that.

Becci, what can I say…she’s sweet and even did some meal support. Honestly, I’m not sure how I met her except that I did and I’m SO glad I did.

Now you’ve ALL met my PITA Moms. They ALL played a very important role in my life. Together, the collective crazy lot of them, has saved my life. I, seriously, know that I would not be alive today if it wasn’t for them. They stayed night after night, day after day…talked to my doctor (S) and nurses and insurance company and called welfare check, stayed up all night with me in the ER numerous times. Then I ended up appointing 3 to be my POA. That means that they don’t have to have permission to talk to docs, therapist, etc… they can know my weight, pysch diagnosis basically everything.

I love each of them, ALL 13 of them, very very much and I will never EVER forget them for as long as I live.

Now if you’re wondering if all of our relationship is the same now as it was prior to treatment. ..the answer is no. Our relationships are different with each other. Some grew stronger while others stayed the same. Some stayed while others moved on. As all relationship does, it changes. But are we ALL grateful for the time we had together, YES! Do we still touch base? YES!

…..and this is the story of how the PITA came about!

I love each and every one of you. I have SO much love and gratitude for the PITA Moms always and forever!